The inside me!

“A part of me died that day”, she wanted to end it, once & for all. I didn’t stop ’cause I didn’t want to dissuade her to stay in a relation that does not prosper over time & when “forever & ever”, didn’t mean anymore, there was no point in struggling through waves of our mind. I surely felt, abandoned, depressed & deserted but what could I have said & that too when incredulity weighed more than of a trust? If trusting was a sin, could any redemption have helped me? I don’t want to inculpate her neither do I want to judge but a thought that kept rolling, puzzling my mind was what could have befouled our relation, what was it, that built a wall between us? Why didn’t we meet, see, talk & share things anymore? I tried asking this to myself again & again & again & I didn’t get that answer. I didn’t mind losing anybody if not her & so I tried not once, twice but thrice & yet it didn’t work. We were holding to lots of things, grudges, ego & indifference that tore us apart & we couldn’t save it any longer. I said this to her & I’m saying it again, “I’m not sure what has happened & what may happen between us, all that I can say is either we can be good again or can set our paths apart & do not look back ever again”, she said okay & then it fizzled out, we had to do it, if not today, tomorrow but we couldn’t keep it strangling around where our choices wouldn’t be similar anymore, where we keep on saying that it was your mistake & be in grieve every day & night. It was a right resolve, I believe, everyone is estimable & has got rights to pursue things relentlessly, if you’re not reconcilable, splitting up is the only panacea I see.

It’s all right guys if you have been through this. I know, no painkiller in this world would make you numb & brush it off. I used to remember this every day just to make sure that I’m not putting myself in that hell again. I wonder if I could ever be myself again what would it be like? happy, happier, happiest? It’s something I never felt in months but should this stop me from living a life, wouldn’t it have been unfair to myriad dreams I had committed to? Sometimes, even I think, we could have sailed it to a better end, we could have started from start, we could have made a perfect example of how a couple should be but it just didn’t happen & that’s ’cause sometimes we don’t get to make choices, we can either move on or be stoned for years & get ourselves a dark future. I didn’t want to freeze myself with something that has left me long before. I wanted to say, definitely say that I’m living a life, a life that has slashed all negativity & bundled it with love & happiness. See, pointbeing we will all be gone one day & when it comes, do you want to confess that you were a troubled man? Confess it today & see that you will have a chance to cast of weariness that has shadowed your mind. We can not always bear the brunt of a shredded heart. Being sad won’t bring back people you lost & being happy won’t either, the least that it can do is drive you away & orient yourself to live in the moment. Burdening yourself for something that is not part of your life anymore doesn’t seem to be a good option to me. Move on & be happy. 

I think it’s up’s & down’s that grease life & helps us dwell on new horizons. We all love to love & being loved but a full stop to this obsession should never bring us down. I know its difficult, I know forgiving & forgetting is the most agonizing task that one can do but I remember something that Mommy once told me, a thought that behooves me to be a good man (forever & ever :D); ‘vengeance will bring no good to us, love is the greatest gift, you could ever give to someone. Don’t do something that you think can not be forgiven when someone does something similar with you!’ 

Author: Tejas Bramhecha
Copyright © 2016


P.S. It doesn’t get easier, folks. Every coming year brings us a whole new set of opportunities & tasks to do. Now that year of 2019 has come, I’d like to recommend you list of books that I have read this year & which has taught me everything right from defying the odds to staying strong in times of adversities. I hope you would enjoy them. Thanks 🙂

Wuthering Heights : Emily Brontë
The Kite Runner : Khaled Hossieni
A Thousand Splendid Suns : Khaled Hossieni
To kill A Mockingbird : Harper Lee

One Comment Add yours

  1. Self-awareness is a gift. You have it!

    Liked by 1 person

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